I started this blog because I knew that writing out the things of my heart puts me in a better place. I’m not great at writing in a journal; I keep one, but mainly for scripture references and scraps of prayers and thoughts. Writing for an audience, whether it be 5 or 1000, forces me to formulate my thoughts more clearly. I can’t just word vomit and hit publish. I have to do the work of evaluating my thoughts over and over again until they start to make sense.
Suffering can make you forgetful. And at times like this, I would not remember dwelling upon God’s creativity or visiting Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane if I hadn’t typed it out here. The other night, a friend asked me what has helped me the most these past few weeks, and I knew what to tell her because I remembered writing about it. And just this morning, I was driving to the fertility clinic to get blood drawn, and I felt lost in the senselessness of our pain. And then I remembered, God will create good out of this. He did not cause the bad, but he will create the good. And the loss of our baby(s) will be used for our good and for the good of the world. Writing these things out etched them in my heart.
My friend Kari is one of the wisest women I know, and she said once that she doesn’t believe there is meaning in suffering, but she believes this is where we are co-creators with God. We make meaning out of our suffering with God, make it into something beautiful. I love this thought so much. Not only is God hovering over the chaos in my soul and creating light from the darkness, but he is asking me to take his hand so we can do it together.
It feels a little blasphemous, this idea of partnering with God. Almost as blasphemous as God becoming man, calling his followers friends, washing their feet, and telling them they will do even greater things than he did. The God who subjected himself to the violence of our broken world has risen from the dead, and he raises us up with him to create good from the brokenness. It is the beauty of the cross. The beauty of a creative God. The beauty of resurrection.
I don’t know how my pain will be used for good or what kind of meaning will come out of it. But I know that God and I can do it together. And I pray that those who read this would know that you, too, can partner with him to make meaning out of your pain. It’s what we get when we have a God who stoops down to make us great. You work in the dirt together and make something beautiful. And then you use that beauty to bless the world.