(I wrote this yesterday, but it didn’t feel like the right day to post it, so I’m posting it today)
This was not the post I wanted to write.
Last Thursday, we went in for a 6 week ultrasound. Our PGS tested embryo had implanted and the blood tests had been perfect. Though we were nervous, we felt confident because we had so many things in our favor. There was only about a 5% chance things wouldn’t look good.
But as soon as the ultrasound wand was in and the tech started looking around, I knew. Before the doctor could say a word, I said “shit”.
Yes I was early, yes things could change, but I know these things never do for us. I knew she was gone.
We waited a week and found a place in Texas that would give us an ultrasound to confirm. It confirmed the worst.
And so today, on Thanksgiving day, I am losing our baby.
At times like this, I am thankful that our journey has helped me to find my home in grief. It is no stranger to me. I know how to sit in it, and I know how to stand up in the midst of it and be strong.
I am thankful, too, that my theology makes room for this. There is nothing in me that blames God for our loss. And I know he makes his home in my grief. Those who mourn are uniquely blessed, and I have experienced that blessing time and time again.
I have spent time reading this post that I wrote after our first miscarriage, reminding myself that God is not a spectator in this tragedy and putting myself back with him in the garden to grieve and receive his comfort.
And oh, how thankful I am for the miracle that calls me mama. If it weren’t for her, I would think I wasn’t meant to be a mother. But because of her, I am one. And I know that I’m a good one, because the road that led me to her made me strong and deepened my capacity to love her well.
This IVF road was supposed to be “easier”. We had Abbie via an IUI, so of course putting a tested embryo inside of me would make this a more simple process. It has not been simple. I feel foolish for even thinking it would be. Having a child will never be easy for us.
But we have four more embryos waiting for us. So in a couple of months, we will dust ourselves off and try again. And I am eternally grateful that we even have that option. 30 years ago, we wouldn’t have. Because of the time we live in, we get a chance at parenthood. Abbie gets a chance at having a sister. And so I pray that at least one of our four embryos would be the sibling our sweet girl deserves.
This is a horrible time to be losing a baby, on Thanksgiving day. But in a few days it is Advent, and as my friend Kari told me, advent is a great time for darkness. And so I will spend this advent season in the darkness and know that light will soon find us. It always does.