I posted again on Making-Space, this time on God’s words to Abraham, that all the people of the earth would be blessed through him.
In this post, I briefly mention my hangup with the term predestination, how it bothered me for years. It felt funny to write that, because it is such an understatement. I re-read the paragraph and thought of all the times the word had “bothered” me. There was the time I threw the book on the five points of Calvinism across the room. The times I didn’t sleep at all, because I couldn’t wrap my mind around how God could be like that. The times I felt paralyzed by the fact that every thing is this world was ordained, and that no matter what I did, things would work out as they were predestined to. The times I reread Romans 9 over and over and over again and tried to make sense of it. The times I listened to songs about God’s glory and thought “I hate his glory. Who finds glory in sending people to hell just because?”
Or the time I read Clark Pinnock’s book, Most Moved Mover, and felt like someone had given me a cold glass of water in the midst of a vast, unending desert. I drank and I drank and I drank, and I thought “maybe God is good after all.”
I can now look at certain definitions of predestination and think, “of course God is not like that.” But back then, I was terrified of being wrong. What if he was like that? Could I still follow him? I knew I couldn’t, and that was the hardest part.
This past year has included a lot of re-evaluating my pictures of God. During my counseling session on Monday evening, I was asked if I felt like God was punishing me through our infertility. I thought about it just to make sure, but I could honestly respond that I don’t. I talked about how sure I was that he is not behind all the bad things that have happened, how I know that he weeps with me, how I know he is for me and by my side.
For so many years, I felt trapped by beliefs that didn’t make sense. I still believe plenty of things that don’t make sense logically (resurrection will never be logical), but they all make sense in my heart. They all make me feel free to run in this kingdom full of grace and compassion and unending love.
I am enjoying the Gospel these days, because it now looks Good News. I finally get why the rocks would cry out about this God.